


A Hand To Hold

by Sent2TheBeast (orphan_account)



Category: Shadowhunters
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-04
Updated: 2016-05-31
Packaged: 2018-05-31 03:41:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6453979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Sent2TheBeast
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Magnus brings Alec back from the dead, the one caveat, they can never touch. Inspired by the plot of Pushing Daisies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Alone

The eyes that stared unblinkingly ahead were strange to Magnus, foreign. Nothing like the clear and vibrant blue they once had been. It was surprising to Magnus how different Alec looked in death, how peaceful and calm. What was unsurprising, however, was the feeling of his heart twisting, breaking, dying. Magnus felt empty inside, unable to breathe, unable to move. 

 

"Please" he whispered. "Please Alexander...come back. Come back to me my darling." Hand shaking, Magnus reached out, blue magic flickering weakly at his finger tips, barely holding on. Magnus wrapped his fingers around Alec's lifeless wrist. The magic snaked around Alec's arm, cling to runes that would never have a chance to fade. "Please." 

 

***

The cell phone rang, slicing sharply through the silence in Magnus' apartment. Magnus jerked violently awake, rubbing the exhaustion from his glittery eyelids. Unable to find the motivation to move, Magnus snapped his fingers and his cell went flying directly at him. He didn't bother checking the caller ID. 

 

"Who disturbs the High Warlock of Brooklyn?" Magnus' voice was ice, angered at this interruption from unconsciousness.

 

"Magnus, it's Clary..." Magnus felt his heart stutter at the sound of her voice. "How quickly can you get to The Institute?" 

 

"It depends...what's the occasion?" Magnus hated the worry that wormed its way into his voice.

 

That's when Clary uttered the words Magnus had always feared.

 

"Magnus...it's Alec, he-" the phone rested in the folds of his bed sheets, abandoned by a warlock who had already charged through a portal and straight to the Institute's front doors.

 

Magnus willed himself to find the strength to knock on the elaborately decorated church door. The wait lasted a life time. Magnus hated that he had to be invited inside, the only thing he loved in the entire universe was behind just a few inches of wood, but he may as well have been galaxies away. 

 

It was Clary who finally opened the door.

 

"What's wrong with Alexander?" Magnus asked, before Clary could say anything. Clary opened her mouth, then closed it.

 

"Magnus, I'm so sorry" Clary began, but he had already pushed himself through the doorway and was sprinting down the hall. _Alexander, Alexander, Alex-_. 

 

In a moment, the entire world froze. In a moment, Magnus lost hold of all the happiness that he possessed.

 

"There was a raid," Clary's voice was soft and steady, as she and Magnus gazed at the scene in front of them.

 

Jace, sitting slumped in a chair, his head between his hands, bearing the weight of the world, enduring the pain of losing half of himself. Maryse and Robert, clinging to each other as if the only thing preventing them from collapsing on the floor were each other's arms. Izzy, in the corner, her mascara betraying the steadiness of her lip. Magnus knew she was trying so hard to be strong. To be this family's anchor, as Alec would have been, if any other Lightwood child had been lost.

 

And then there was Alexander.

 

 _His_ Alexander.

 

The Alexander whose smile lit up any room in an instant. The Alexander whose eyes were forever seared into Magnus' skull. The Alexander whose hands Magnus could still feel in his own. Whose lips he could still feel on his temple, on his nose, on his throat.

 

Alexander who was laying motionless on the bed. Blood drying on his chin, his cheek, dribbling down his ear. Alexander who was still just as beautiful as the day they had first met. Alexander, who had taken his last breath and left Magnus, terribly and utterly alone.

 

Clary put her hand gently on Magnus' shoulder. "We're all alive because of him. I want you to know that," Magnus stepped forward, entering the room. It was as if everyone in the room had been pulled from a trance.

"Magnus," Izzy said, sliding across the room to embrace the warlock.

 

Magnus couldn't even lift his arms to comfort her.

 

"Magnus," Maryese broke away from her husband, wiping tears from under her eyes. "Is...is there anything you can do for him? Is there anything you can do for Alec?"

 

"I..." Magnus closed his eyes and steeled himself "I don't know." Magnus had not been able to pry his eyes away from his Shadowhunter. "Co-could I have a moment alone with Alexa- with Alec?" Magnus asked, despair making his voice thick.

 

Clary stepped forward, kneeling down next to Jace. She put her hand on his cheek and whispered something in his ear. Jace stood up, and hooked his elbow around Clary's holding on to her so tightly it was as if he feared he would disappear without her. Izzy pulled her parents from the room, and Magnus found himself stuck in his own personal Hell. 

 

Magnus moved towards the bed in one swift motion. Dropping to his knees and burying his head in Alec's chest. "What did you do, you complete and total idiot, Alec Lightwood?" Hot tears welled in his eyes, and soaked through Alec's shirt. "I can't live without you Alexander, don't make me live without you," 

Magic Magnus didn't know he had the energy to create blossomed in his palm. And then there was something he could do, a spell Magnus had only heard about, ancient magic that tugged at the faintest corner of his mind. Suddenly life didn't seem quite as hopeless. Suddenly Magnus could breathe a little easier. Magnus had never tried something quite as crazy as this, but he knew he had to try. He could save Alexander. 

 

 

 


	2. Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus learns what happened during the raid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So so sorry for the time gap between chapters. End of Quarter work load had me busy

Magnus let his hand fall away, fingers sliding gently across Alec's wrist. "I'm so sorry Alexander," he whispered into his lover's ear, wrapping his arms tightly around Alec's waist and burying his head into Alec's bloodstained shirt. 

 

It took two people to pry Magnus away from Alec's body. 

 

***

The first thing Magnus learned, sitting wearily around a table, a steaming cup of untouched tea sitting in front of him, was that the Lightwoods had had a particularly shitty day. 

Magnus stared hard at a scratch on the table as Isabelle and Clary tried their best to recount the events of the last few hours of Alec Lightwood's life. 

"We'd gotten a tip about a large group of demons gathering in an abandoned warehouse not too far from Pandemonium," Clary sounded almost clinical, and Magnus couldn't help but hate her for it. "They had apparently captured a dozen mundanes and were preparing some sort of 'end-of-the-world' ceremony,"

 

Magnus was silent. 

 

"We didn't have time to scope our the place, so we went in blind" Izzy swallowed hard. "Almost everyone at the Institute came with us, even Max,"

 

"But there were so many of them, and Max ran off. Alec and I went to find them mundanes," Clary added. "Alec and I had just found them and were starting to get them out of there when the room exploded and a greater demon came barreling toward us." Clary stopped, squaring her jaw, "Alec yelled at me to take the mundanes out of the warehouse and that he'd meet up with me later. So I did." she took a breath. "The roar that sounded from the other room made my ears bleed, and there was a bright light that poured from underneath the door. I don't know how, but Alec killed the demon," her voice grew soft and she glanced at Izzy "But he never met up with me," 

 

"Raj found him when we were picking through the rubble," Izzy's voice betrayed no emotion. "He said he could barely recognize Alec, there was so much blood,"

 

"We found Max an hour ago, by the outskirts of the Institute" Clary said, she was unable to finish the sentence. Magnus didn't need her to. 

 

"I'm sorry for your loss," he whispered to Isabelle, placing his hand gently over hers. "I know how much your brothers meant to you," From underneath his fingers, Izzy's hand began to shake. 

 

Magnus found the silence that fell over the three of them to be oddly comforting. He had no energy, no will to talk, to move, even to breathe. He felt the silence suited the situation. The love of his life was dead, and the world had frozen in this small, silent Hell, to let everyone who loved Alexander Lightwood suffer. The silence reaffirmed that Alec would not easily be forgotten, that he would be treasured and missed for years. The silence was a saving grace, a life raft, for those whom Alec loved, and for those who loved Alec. 

 

Magnus wished he could build a house in that silence and live there forever, never moving past Alec, never worrying about forgetting the brightness of his eyes, or the color of his lips. Magnus wanted to sit in that silence forever, but this small moment of peace was soon shattered by a deafening scream. 


	3. Awakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec awakens

It didn't take long for the Shadowhunter instincts to sink in, within seconds of the scream echoing down the hallway, Izzy and Clary were poised for action, whip and seraph blade held in a death grip. Magnus had only gathered enough energy to tilt his head upward in curiosity,  _if only the Downworlders could see Magnus Bane now..._ he thought  _some High Warlock I am_. 

 

A Shadowhunter Magnus didn't recognize poked a pale and slightly green head out of the door to Alec's hospital room. "You should take a look at this," the woman said to Izzy. By the time Magnus blinked, Izzy and Clary had disappeared down the hallway.

"By the Angel" Magnus heard Izzy exclaim as he started to push himself up and away from the table. He could feel his heart jumping in his chest, as he turned towards the hallway. A streak of vibrant red rushed past him in a wave of excitement "Jace!" Clary exclaimed "Jace!" 

Magnus struggled to move one foot in front of the other as he struggled against the weight of all his years of despair and loss. Magnus didn't realize how slow he was walking, until the blonde haired boy barreled into his shoulder and skidded into the hospital room.  _What the Hell is going on?_ Magnus wondered. Clary followed right behind Jace, but stopped for a moment to lock Magnus in a tight embrace. She disappeared into the room. 

 

It felt like a century had passed before Magnus managed to poke his head through the door. The room was buzzing in a sort of nervous excitement Magnus was unfamiliar with. 

 

"What is going on?" he asked dryly. 

 

The Shadowhunter woman he didn't know stepped forward "I was cleaning the blood from Alec's face, to prepare him for burial," Magnus' eyes fluttered momentarily to Alec's lifeless body. "And I thought I saw his eyelids flutter for a second, but of course, I figured it was a trick of the light," she paused for a second, a hopeful smile tugging at her lips. "I was just getting ready to leave, when Alec's hand wrapped around my wrist,"

 

Izzy stepped towards the woman "So you're saying he's  _alive_?!" 

 

Magnus' heart stopped beating when he saw the woman nod "I don't know how, but he's alive! I don't know how responsive he'll be just yet, coming back from the dead and all. So don't expect to much out of your brother just yet. But he'll come around eventually," the woman rested a hand on Isabelle's shoulder for a minute. "I'll give you guys some space,"

 

***

The first thing Alec could comprehend was pain, excruciating, unrelenting pain. It stuck to him like glue and burned like fire. He couldn't move, couldn't breathe, couldn't scream. The second thing Alec could comprehend was the sound of overlapping voices, laced thick with despair and uncertainty, and maybe even a little bit of hope. Alec's finger twitched involuntarily, and like a conductor raising his baton, the room fell silent. 

 

"Alec?" the soft, soothing voice of his sister tugged at his ear. His finger twitched again. "Alec!" her voice was urgent and full of desperation. Alec could hear the sound of heel clicking loudly against the hard floor, and the soft thud of his sister's body as she dropped down beside him. Her warm hand met his cold one and for a second the pain loosened its hold on him. And before it could find its way back, Alec opened his eyes, blinking slowly to adjust to the brightness in the room. 

"Izzy?" Alec breathed, and before he knew what was happening, Izzy's strong, lean arms had wrapped around his neck. The room was coming into focus now, and Alec's eyes looked from one tear streaked face to another, "What happened?"

 

"You died," Jace said, stepping forward. Alec felt the breath catch in his throat as he looked at his best friend, his brother. The helplessness in Jace's eyes cut into Alec like a knife "We thought we had lost you forever," 

 

***

Magnus could not comprehend the emotions that were shot violently into war in his chest at the twitch of Alec's finger. He had never felt pain like this before, nor had he felt such blissful relief. Magnus watched, paralyzed, as Izzy move toward her big brother, sunk down to her knees and placed her hand in his. Within seconds a hard lump had formed in Magnus' throat, making it impossible to breath. And when Alec opened his eyes, Magnus thought his heart might actually fling itself from his chest. 

 

Once upon a time the sound of Alec's voice could cure anything Magnus had, sickness, injury, or fear, it didn't matter. But now it brought nothing but misery. Magnus wrapped his arms around his chest, and slunk into the corner of the room, tucking himself away from his lover. Magnus watched Jace kneel down next to Izzy and embrace his  _parabati_. He watched as Jace and Izzy slowly helped Alec wiggle his way into a sitting position. He watched as Clary, buried her head in Alec's chest and heard her mumbled apologies "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,". He watched as Alec pushed her gently off of him, and wiped her tears. He watched as Alec whispered "It's not your fault, mundie". 

 

"Where's Mom and Dad?" Alec asked Izzy, who was sitting on the edge of his bed. Magnus watched the room grow silent and cold. 

 

"They're with Max," Izzy whispered. 

 

"Max is here?" excitement bubbling in Alec's throat, "can I see him?"

 

Izzy shook her head "No,"

 

"Why not?"

 

"Max is gone," Izzy choked "He- he didn't make it, Alec," 

 

Magnus watched Jace look away, light draining from his eyes, jaw setting. He watched Clary take his hand, and squeeze it reassuringly. He watched Izzy finally fall to pieces. He watched Alec try desperately to hold his sister together. He watched Alec stroke Izzy's hair and press his forehead to hers. He watched Izzy cling to her older brother like he was a small island of peace in a tumultuous sea. 

 

Magnus watched her, and closed his eyes, pretending like he was the one Alec's strong arms were holding. Pretending like seeing Alec living and breathing wasn't complete and utter Hell. Pretending like everything was fine, everything was going to be fine. Pretending like every kiss planted on Alec's cheek, every embrace that pulled him close, every tear he wiped away wasn't ripping Magnus' heart in two. As long as he sat there in the darkness, he could pretend like everything was as it should be. 

 

"Did someone call Magnus?" Alec wondered eventually. "He must be worried out of his mind," 

 

 _Well_ thought Magnus sullenly,  _the peace couldn't last forever_. Magnus stepped forward slowly and uncertainly. Not trusting his body to stay strong enough to hold him upright. The edges of his vision were going black, he forced himself to breathe. Magnus watched Alec's concerned expression soften. "I'm right here, my love," Magnus said. "I'm right here,"

 

Magnus could not bring himself to take another step. 

 


	4. Touch to Touch

Something was wrong. Alec knew that from the second Magnus stepped into the light. 

 

Alec was keenly aware of his boyfriend's flare for the dramatic, but tonight there was a difference in his entrance, in his appearance. His motions were small, controlled, timid even, as if he thought he might fall through the floor at the slight change of position. Alec was not sure he had ever seen Magnus with his hands in his pockets, yet here he was, covering up deep red nail polish Alec had painstakingly applied only two days before. Covering up the thick silver ring Alec had gotten him as an anniversary present. 

 

Then Alec noticed his eyes. Something was very wrong. 

 

Alec had seen Magnus without his glamour on very rare occasions, when utter exhaustion tugged at every fibre of Magnus' being. When Magnus was too tired to remember to glamour them, when he was too tired to find them hideous. Normally, it made Alec's heart sing to look into Magnus' eyes, his  _real_ eyes. But tonight his heart sank, as he looked the warlock up and down. Magnus' typically luminescent cat eyes contained no life, no joy. Not even the golden glitter on Magnus' eyelids could put a spark of light into the face Alec saw staring intently ahead, unable to truly meet his eye. 

 

"I'm right here, my love," Magnus said in a voice meant to be soft and gentle "I'm right here,"

 

Alec had the feeling Magnus was a million miles away. Alec watched as Magnus moved to lean against the wall, as far away from Alec and the other Shadowhunters as he could possibly get. Alec watched as Magnus pulled his hands from his pocket, tentatively and absentmindedly playing with the ring on his left middle finger. He watched as Magnus stared at his boots and chewed on the inside of his bottom lip as if he was fighting against his nature, stopping himself from saying something. 

 

"Big brother?" 

 

Alec was pulled violently out of his Magnus induced trance, only realizing that Izzy had been talking to him when she smacked his arm (with love). "Are you even listening to me?" 

 

All Alec could think to say was "Can I have a moment alone with Magnus?"

 

Magnus' head snapped up, fear clouding his eyes, and shaping his face. "Oh, don't deny your family on my account, you've all had a very difficult day...in fact!" Magnus snapped his fingers as if he'd had a genius idea "I'll give all of you some space." Alec watched Magnus practically sprint to the open door. 

 

"Magnus," Alec said, with all the authority he could muster, which was not much given the circumstances "Don't you dare take another step. Izzy, Jace, I would like to have a little  _private time_ with my boyfriend if that's all right with you." Alec watched a knowing smile tug at the corner of Izzy's lips. Alec knew he wouldn't live this moment down, but implications be damned, Magnus needed him right now. The room cleared in three seconds and Alec found himself exactly where he wanted to be, alone with Magnus. 

 

"Magnus," Alec tried to make his voice as soft and caring as possible. "What's wrong?"

 

"Nothing," Magnus said, matter-of-factly. "You're alive, everything is perfect," 

 

"Magnus" Alec said again, his blue eyes boring holes into Magnus. He used what little strength he had to lift his arm and hold it towards the warlock "Come here and hold my hand," 

 

Magnus shook his head solemnly, wrapping his arms across his chest "I can't," 

 

"Please?" Alec begged. "I need you to help me, I can't deal with this alone," 

 

"I can't, Alec! I can't touch you!" Magnus' anger made his eyes shimmer like fire.

 

Alec dropped his hand, "Why not?"

 

Magnus took a deep breathe, and found sudden interest in the floor beneath him. "Because I did something bad," 

 

"What did you do?"

 

"I-Yo-you were dead, Alexander." Magnus tested the words as carefully as he could. "You were dead, and your parents were crying, and Jace was lost. And Izzy had no one there to comfort her. And the world needed Alexander Lightwood. So...I brought you back," Magnus looked at Alec like a puppy dog, guilt seeping into every crevice of his face. 

 

"You brought me back?"

 

"Yes," Magnus nodded

 

"From the dead?"

 

"Yes," 

 

 "How?"

 

"Have you forgotten that I am the High Warlock of Brooklyn?"

 

"You used magic? To bring me back from the dead?"

 

 "You have to understand that the spell I used was old magic, dark magic. The kind of magic that comes with a price. And I'm not talking jewels, or fancy necklaces that glow around demons. What I did requires sacrifice, a blood sacrifice, from someone who loves you more than they love anyone else in the world." Alec watched helplessly as Magnus' shoulder slumped. "And with that blood comes the potential for life," Magnus' jaw set in determination, his hands balled into fists, and Alec's heart stuttered at the intensity of Magnus' eyes, the fear and will behind them all jumbled up together "Once blood has been given, someone you love and who loves you in return can bring you back to life with a single touch. A touch that has the strength to pull you back from the depths of nothingness. A touch so powerful that your soul is forever linked with theirs."

 

"I don't understand," Alec breathed. 

 

"Bringing someone back from the dead goes against the natural order of the world, some blood here and there isn't enough to satisfy the magic. The person who brings you back to life has to suffer the consequences of going against nature. Once the deceased has been brought back to life, there can be no physical connection between the them and the person who brought them back."

"What happens if they do?"

 

Magnus had taken to rubbing small circles on his middle finger with his thumb, he bit his lip "First touch brings life, second touch brings death, forever. Nothing can bring you back," 

 

"So if you touch me, I'll die?"

 

Magnus didn't even have the strength in him to nod. "I'm so sorry, Alexander." Alec thought he saw tears forming in Magnus' eyes, he tore himself away from his lover's gaze. 

 

After several minutes of tense, painful silence where the pair searched desperately for the right words to comfort the other– the right words to say how sorry they were, how much they loved each other, how grateful they were for everything they had been given– Magnus turned to leave the room. "I believe you have more important things to worry about then the triflings of an old warlock. This should be a time to mourn what you have lost, but also to celebrate those who are still here. All this 'ancient spell' nonsense is not something you should be worrying your pretty little head about right now," Alec pretended like Magnus was successful in pulling off a confident, care-free smile. "Goodbye, Alexander," 

 

The warlock turned to wrap his fingers around the door knob "Magnus?" Alec said, and he froze in place, steeling himself for Alec's anger. "I love you," 

 

Magnus turned his head to look at Alec, the way his face softened into the first genuine smile of the night shattered every ounce of pain Alec had been in. Alec felt as if he were floating when Magnus replied "I love you too, more than words can ever express, more than hearts can ever beat, more than stars can ever shine." 

 

 

 


	5. Voicemails

Magnus had spent the past two days in a semi-drunken stupor, willfully ignoring every fire message, doorbell, and phone call that came across his path in favor of wallowing in a shroud of self-pity he knew wasn't warranted. 

 

After his fifth consecutive hour of staring at the same spot on his bedroom ceiling, Magnus sighed, rolled over, and decided to check his phone. He watched as it sprung to life, and groaned as it spent the next two minutes vibrating madly as incoming messages poured in. 

 

_Missed Calls (20)_

 

Magnus shook his head in annoyance "Can't people leave will enough alone?" he muttered to himself, clicking to voicemail and held the phone to his ear. 

 

"Magnus," the first voice started, concerned "it's Clary. You rushed off so suddenly the other day, we didn't get a chance to talk. Are you okay? Alec seems really upset and no one has heard from you in a couple days. I'm here to talk, if you need to, whenever you need it, for whatever happened." There was a muffled commotion in the background "I've gotta go, I'm sorry. Call me if you need someone to talk to! Alec don't do-" Clary's phone clicked off.

 

"Magnus, it's-" 

"Magnus, it's Cl-"

"Magnus, please ans-"

"It's Isabelle. Don't you dare ignore this." Magnus rolled his eyes, "How dare you just run off like that? And not talk to anyone? I spent an hour outside your apartment building yesterday, and you couldn't bother to answer. What the hell happened? Where are you? We're going through some things right now, and we need you here. Call me back, or so help me I wi-" 

 

"Magnus Bane, if you do-"

"Mag-"

"It's Izzy again-"

"Isabel-"

 

Magnus didn't need the angry lectures, or the concern from anyone. He just wanted to feel guilty and drink away his sorrows, forget about the spell, and the pain, and forget about Alec. He needed to forget about Alec. 

 

"Mags..." the voice was soft and gentle, and Magnus' heart skipped a beat just hearing it over the phone. "It's me. Look, I know you must be feeling scared, or guilty about...everything. But...I need you right now,  _you_ Magnus. I don't care about this spell or that we can't touch. I need someone to talk to who doesn't expect me to be fine. My brother is dead, Magnus. Max is...he's gone. And I can't keep this brave face on forever." Magnus could hear the pain in his voice "Look Magnus...Max's funeral is tomorrow, and I really need you to be there. You need to move past this, this spell is nothing, but I can't do this without you. So don't make me. Or else I'm going to pull myself out of this bed, come over to your apartment, kick down the door, and drag you out by the collar. And I know you don't want that because I'm still recovering from being dead and that would cause me great physical pain." Magnus couldn't help the small smile that tugged at the corner of his lip. "I love you, Magnus, no matter what. Please be there, for me, I need you to help me through this..." the line went quiet for a moment, as if Alec was hoping Magnus had been listening all along and was going to say something at any moment. Magnus hung on to every second of that silence, drinking in the sound of Alec's every breath. 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning. I have a mountain of homework and tech week for this weekend and the following week, so this might be the last post for a week and half to two weeks as I will be emotionally and physically exhausted from everything.


	6. Funeral

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't kill me because I have absolutely no idea how a Shadowhunter funeral is conducted. So I'm trying my best :)

Alec arms were wrapped tightly around Izzy, her face buried in his chest. He rubbed gentle circles in his sister's shoulder and kissed the top of her forehead. For months after the funeral, Maryse would swear that Alec had been so strong, standing stock still, jaw set and eyes forward, unlike Izzy and Jace, who has descended into tears within seconds. But Alec knew he was holding on to Izzy like she was his anchor, and if he had tried to let go, he would never find himself again. His heart was heavier than he ever thought it could be, his baby brother was dead, and the love of his life had gone AWOL and left Alec to deal with everything all by himself. 

But then a speck in the distance caught his eye, a brief glimmer of purple on the outskirts of his field of vision. He felt his heart pick up speed in his chest. He hugged Izzy tighter, trying to grip himself further to the ground. Magnus was dressed from head to toe in white, with the exception of his hands, which were covered by thick, black, fingerless gloves that exposed only the tips of his fingernails, which were also painted white. It was unusual to see Magnus in such monochromatic clothing, but Alec knew Magnus was paying his respects for Max as best he could. If that meant dressing in white with the rest of the Shadowhunters, so be it. 

Magnus leaned against a nearby tree, far enough away that Maryse and Robert would be unable to see him. Far enough away from Alec where he wouldn't risk touching him, but close enough to stare into his eyes.  _Are you okay?_ Magnus mouthed to Alec, lips surprisingly free of color. Alec shook his head gently, trying to not alert Izzy to his movements.  _I'm here now_. Alec closed his eyes for a second, the ghost of a smile present on his face. Alec stood like this, eyes on Magnus, sister in his arms, until the last embers of the funeral pyre had burned out, the evening sky turning violent shades of oranges and reds, as if the flames had ascended to the heavens. 

Magnus didn't move until everyone but the Lightwood children had left, "Hello, my dears," Magnus said sweetly. Izzy looked up from Alec's tear stained suit. 

 

"Well look who finally decided to show up," grief turned sarcasm to ice, Magnus felt like he had been punched in the gut. Izzy made a move toward him, shoulder's squaring and fingers curling up into a fist, and for a split second, Magnus feared for his life. Until Alec's legs buckled underneath him, muscles still weak from his encounter with the demon, and reflexes unprepared for the lack of support Izzy had suddenly taken away when she moved to kill Magnus Bane. Izzy immediately abandoned any thought she had of drawing that sweet immortal life from Magnus' veins, to catch her brother before he could fall to the ground. "Alec, are you okay?"

 

"Yeah," he said, and Magnus knew it was a lie "I'm just a little woozy from all the standing," 

"We should find you somewhere to sit," Izzy commanded. 

"No Izzy, it's okay. I'll be okay, just don't let go quite yet," 

Izzy smiled sweetly "Of course not, big brother," 

 

The stood in silence for a minute, Magnus drinking in the lines of Alec's face, Alec committing the shine of Magnus' eyes to memory. "I brought you something," Magnus said after awhile, breaking the silence. "Hold out your hands," Alec obliged, callused palms facing up, expectantly. Magnus lifted his hands above his head slightly, shaking out his sleeves. Alec's eyes were immediately drawn to the small patch of skin that peaked out between the end of Magnus' glove, and the beginning of his sleeve. He noticed a small, thin line across Magnus' wrist. That hadn't been there, the last time Alec had had the pleasure of running his arms across Magnus' skin. His heart skipped a beat.  _It requires a blood sacrifice from someone who loves you more than they love anyone else in the world_. Magnus' words tumbled around in Alec's skull, and he felt a dull heat rising in his cheeks.  Izzy's gasp, and the sudden weight at his fingertips drew him out of the inner workings of his mind. In his hand, there was a semi-tattered plush cat, which looked as if part of it's ear had been singed off at some point or another. 

 

"Church?" Alec muttered, confused for a second. "This-

"It was Max's," Magnus voice was soft and gentle. "I know. He came to see me one night, when you were away on a mission. He gave this too me as a sign of his trust and love. He told me it was his favorite toy, that it was a present from you," 

"Yeah, it was," Alec couldn't keep his voice from breaking. The words felt thick on his tongue. He took a step forward, forgetting for a moment that everything was wrong. His heart broke when Magnus took a timid step back, fear dancing behind his eyes. 

 

"We should get you inside," Magnus suggested, centuries of heart break allowing his voice to seem much peppier than his spirit was. "You've had a long day Alexander, and you deserve some time to sit and to remember," 

 

Alec's smile was as tired as his eyes, and Magnus wished that he could pick Alec up in his arms and hold on to him tightly and never let go. Instead he trailed behind the siblings as they moved slowly toward The Institute, taking the time when all eyes were off of him to let his facade crumble. Alec's room was dark and cold when they entered, a problem which Magnus was happy to fix, conjuring a fireplace, with flames already ablaze inside of Alec's room. "Magnus..." Alec chastised, sinking heavily into his mattress. Izzy laid down next to him, putting her head on his shoulder.  

"What? I'm gonna put it back."

"What's going on in here?" Clary asked, head poking through the door. 

"We were just about to get comfortable," Magnus proffered, stepping forward into Clary's field of vision. "And talk about happier times, care to join us, biscuit?" 

"Sure," Clary bounded in, wrapping an arm around Magnus and pulling him down to the floor. 

"Where's Jace?" Alec asked.

"Dealing with his grief as best he knows how," Clary replied. The room grew silent for a moment.

"So," Magnus said casually, "Who wants to go first?"

"What are we doing exactly?" Izzy queried.

"As someone who has lived and lost, I have always found great comfort in remembering those that I have loved as they were and not as they are now. I think it would all do us some good to think back on those we miss and remember the good times we've had together. It makes it easier to breathe again, and keep them alive if only in your mind."

Clary leaned her head against Magnus' shoulder, curling her arms around him. An unusual amount of affection between the pair, but not unwarranted for the purposes of this visit. "I'll start," she sighed "If that's okay with everyone," 

 

They spent hours like that, even managing to laugh about family vacations gone wrong, and the time Max walked in on Izzy doing well...Izzy shrugged unabashedly "He was going to have to learn at some point," And Magnus was right, it was becoming easier to breathe, and the despair Alec felt was lighter some how. The four of them stayed like that until Alec had fallen asleep. Izzy stood up carefully so as not to wake her brother, and placed a gentle kiss to Magnus' cheek. 

"Thank you," 

"There is nothing to thank me for," 

 

The two of them stood, watching the steady rise and fall of Alec's chest, his face relaxed and looking years younger without the lines of stress that often hardened around his eyes. Magnus wanted to stand there for eternity and watch Alec sleep, but instead he turned away, and headed out the door. He would not let himself be the object of Alec's pain. He couldn't. 

 

"Goodnight Alexander," he whispered, heart shattering into a million pieces "Live well," 

 


	7. Boxes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus and Alec have a talk.

There were certain times in a warlock's life when magic felt more like a burden than anything else, and Magnus was currently entering one of those phases of his very long existence. He was still fighting off a headache from the day-he-had-ruined-everything and although he knew his current task would be easier with just a snap of his fingers and a little blue light, he couldn't bring himself to do it. 

 

The buzzer rang, and Magnus kicked at the cardboard box by his feet angrily, snapping his fingers "WHO DARES TO DISTURB THE HIGH WARLOCK OF BROOKLYN?!"

 

"I'll give you one guess," the voice on the other side was soft and gentle "I'm the best archer in New York, I have an incredibly hot boyfriend, and I normally don't need to buzz up, but for some reason, my key doesn't work..." 

 

 _Damn it._ Magnus thought, he figured he had at least a couple more days until Alec came knocking on his door. Magnus sighed, and snapped his fingers again, allowing Alec to enter the building, within seconds he heard footsteps approaching his door. Magnus let the door swing open before Alec could start knocking. 

 

"Magnus," Alec's voice is serious, determination setting his face into an unreadable mask. "You have got to stop running off for days on-" Alec froze in place, noticing the boxes stacked up in the living room, Magnus looked at his feet. "What's going on here?"

 

"I was getting a head start," Magnus answered simply. 

 

"On what?"

 

"Packing up your stuff,"

 

"Why in the world would you be doing something like that?"

 

"Because..." Magnus sighed "We can't do this, Alexander," 

 

"Do what?"

 

" _This_ ," Magnus' could hear the frustration in his voice. "We can't make this work, we can't live in this constant fear of touching each other, of me killing you because I round the corner and accidentally run into you. We can't," 

 

"Magnus," Alec's voice cracked, and he took a step forward, prompting Magnus to flinch as if he had been hit. 

 

"Alec, don't come any closer," 

 

"Magnus," Alec repeated, voice barely above a whisper. "This is not a one sided decision," 

 

"I didn't ask for your permission to bring you back from the dead." Magnus pointed out. 

 

"And now you're wracked with guilt and you haven't seen or talked to me in days and you're walking on egg shells. And I'm not letting you make another decision without talking to me about it. Okay? I will not let you tear everything apart because you're scared." Alec wished more than anything he could take Magnus by the hands and squeeze them tightly. When Magnus looked at Alec, he was fighting back tears. "I'm scared too, Magnus. But this," he gestured to the boxes beside the warlock. "You can't do this. I told you before, this spell, it's nothing. Okay? We can figure out a way to make this work. I'll sleep on the couch from now on, I'll wear bells around the apartment," 

 

A brief image of Alec dressed like an elf flashed through Magnus' mind and he could help but snicker.

 

"Oh, you think that's funny?"

 

"Just a little bit,"

 

A small smile tugged at the edge of Alec's mouth. "You don't get to give up on me that easily, I'm going to stick around until the only choice you have to get rid of me is to kill me. And then maybe I'll come back as a ghost and haunt your sorry ass,"  he flung himself down on the couch and flicked on the television. "I'm not helping you put my stuff back, by the way," 

 

Magnus shook himself out of a stupor, flicking his fingers and sending all of Alec's stuff flying back into place. He walked around the back of the couch and sank down to the floor on the opposite end. "What are we watching?" 

 

"I think there is a Project Runway marathon on right now, you interested?"

 

"Alexander," Magnus gasped "That is a question that did not need to be asked," 

 

"Feeling any better?" Alec asked, halfway through their second episode.

 

"Maybe one day,"

 

They sat in silence, letting the world of reality television wash over them until light faded from Magnus' apartment, and the pair found their limbs growing stiff. 

 

 


End file.
